I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
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I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
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I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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