I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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