Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
