im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
