Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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