i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Still dying that you shit outside
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Randomize
