Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
