i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
