Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
