I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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