trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
