it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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