You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
