So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
