Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
