the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
