remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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