watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
this just has baby written all over it
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
