3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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