The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
