why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
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He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
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Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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