haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
