My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
