Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
