New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
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I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
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You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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