I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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