My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
