Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
