I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just invented taco cereal.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
