i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
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