nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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