Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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