I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize