New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
