If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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