I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
