so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
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