Cold hands, warm shart.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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