i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
