I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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