im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
