I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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