btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
