well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
