It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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