Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Text me some of your sweat
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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