Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
