Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
