I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
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