cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
