I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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