Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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