I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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