dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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