sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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